Family Album: July 4, 2009

At the last minute, I decided to drive down to Cincinnati to spend what time of the Independence Day Weekend I could with my sister and her family. A rarity for me, I felt organized and actually left my apartment at my prescribed time of 5:00. Super-cool. The trek down 75 is a cinch, and it seems I just blow by every town along the way until I get off at the exit right after Touch Down Jesus. It helps that Shelley is actually in a suburb a little north of Cinci; the drive is that much shorter. An hour after I arrived, we left for a festival in Mason, Ohio. Huey Lewis and the News headlined a free concert for an audience easily numbering in the thousands. We  found a patch of lawn and camped out to the sounds of Power of Love and Hip to Be Square. Note to self: Why do I always leave the Zippo at home? The fireworks started after dark, and I was tickled to be able to play with some of the settings on my newish camera. Low-light and Fireworks settings. Pretty impressive shots to me, if I could keep my hands a little steadier.

Peyton was mesmerized by the fireworks, which we welcomed, since we were a little concerned about what her reaction might be. Her first 4th, and she's already an American Girl.

We drove there in Shelley and George's new minivan; a Honda Odyssey. When I first heard about it I had a few laughs at the thought of a former sorority girl trading in her sporty SUV for a grocery-getter, but now all I can say is, "Don't knock it 'til you tried it." The thing is PLUSH with more bells and whistles on it than the freakin' Starship Enterprise. First of all, like every single moving part on the damn thing is remote freakin' controlled. Doors? Windows? Liftgate? Personalized Driver Seating Position? Check. Check. Check, and Check. Yes, I know it's a minivan, but it was enough to make me green with gadget envy and want to pull an Angelina Jolie and adopt 50 kids just so I would have an excuse to buy one.

I spent the night, and hung out during the day with Shelley. A few of her friends came over around 5:00 and we grilled chicken and veggies. I made rice pilaf. I had to leave around 9:00p, knowing that I had to work the next morning, but all in all it was worth it and I was glad I went down. How else would I get pictures like this?

The Sweater Song

With a tip of the hat to Robert Burns, absolutely nothing went as planned yesterday. From work to after work, the day rapidly unspooled- a single thread caught and snagged until there was no garment left. My emotions were naked, too. What I thought would be a simple day was anything but, from the impromptu carpet installation (time to move the furniture!) to the impromptu hospital visit. The Doctor wanted to know what medicines a certain someone was on. I had them written down, they're just not all on the top of my head or the tip of my tongue. Doctor frowned. I felt stupid. I really hate feeling stupid.

Post-Work plans were obliterated, as, one-by-one my friends and contacts dropped like flies. Even my sister didn't return my calls. I know she's busy, but it was just bad timing for me. Then, I decided to feel sorry for myself. Brilliant, Ragu. Just brilliant. Around 10:00p, it clicked. Hey wait a minute! Who died and made me the victim? Haven't I been working on this shit for like a year?

Strange, that even in those periods when we feel the strongest we've felt in ages, much like what I am experiencing now, there are still those moments of weakness. Damn it. Think I hate feeling stupid? I hate feeling weak even more. But I consider this: if a caretaker I am, it stands to reason that in order to truly empathize and understand how other's feel, I also cannot negate my own feelings and emotions. I'm not sure why I was as raw as I was feeling. I do feel truly grateful for who I am and what I have, but no, I'm not looking forward to this holiday and it's more recent historical implications.

The good news is, when I catch myself, I absolutely refuse to feel sorry for myself. It's catching myself that still proves tricky. Self-Pity is a sneaky little bastard. But then I remembered my new roles, my new purposes, and I did some pro-active things...like a little bit of school work to regain my balance. I snipped at a few of the other dangling participles in my emotional life as well. The labyrinth said to go forward into the world. And of those things we needed to figure out? I've made up my mind that they are, indeed, solved.

P.S. For further explanation to the title of this post, click here.

Once More to the Labyrinth

I've been thinking a lot lately about patterns. It started intellectually enough. For my birthday, a friend of mine had given me the small book by Stephen C. Lundin, Cats: The Nine Lives of Innovation- Companies Don't Innovate- People Do. In a nutshell, it's all about how to stimulate, organize, and express creativity and new ideas at work. It's a new take on the whole think outside the box phenomenon. Now, months later, I've finally gotten around to reading it, and while most of it are thing's I've heard before, I was struck by this passage by the author:

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During those IMS years, I was also actively involved in teaching MBA students. Being someone who is always looking for ways to use what is happening in one part of my life in another part of my life, IMS provided a way to enhance my lectures as a business school teacher, so I attended all the lectures and took extensive notes, in Mind Map form, of course. The years passed, and my Mind Maps became quite extensive, but with each new lecture on change, I added fewer and fewer branches.
Then something interesting happened. The body of knowledge began to shrink. It began to move from complex to simple. Branches were merged, and core themes became more obvious. Once I found the simplicity inside the complexity of one subject, I began looking for it in all that I did. My knowledge files became elegant and more available. I now believe this can happen in any field when you reach the level of mastery.

---

The notion came to me that this was indeed what was happening everyday in all aspects of life. And certainly, it's something to aspire to. But how does it happen? Therein lies my conjecture. It happens through habit, repetition, and patterns. One thing I've come to know is that people don't change. In reality this is so freeing, especially when you realize this about yourself. Everything that was me before is me after- the good, the bad, and the so-so. If what Lundin says is true, then maybe it's those patterns that contribute to the circling around and through of the universe...the phenomenon of the lessons we need to learn circling back to us. But if people don't change, then where and what is the journey? It's not about change, it's about fulfilling purpose.

I haven't changed, but through my experiences, the dormant aspects of me have become powered up and amplified out of necessity, out of demand. And the unsavory ones, yeah they're still there too. I procrastinate as much as ever, and my predilction for dick hasn't gone anywhere either. But they're part of me. If you take something away, you take something else away with it, too. The journey isn't about making every aspect of a person positive, it's about equanimity, balance, and nature. If 2007-2008 was about discovering my strengths, 2009 has shown me what to do with them. And already....something complex has cycled back and become simple again. And the universe will demand from you ultimately what it needs from you. If not now, then later. But it will always call to you, and beg of you to listen.

And it did

For three years, the labyrinth called. Yesterday, I answered.

There was one at the church, but Maestro had something different in mind, so 40 minutes NE of Toledo I found it on a hillside amongst the pines. It was quiet, and still, except for the rain. It had been sunny and hot in T-Town, but here the clouds rolled in. At the entrance to the center, it was a downpour. He explained the process and left me to the woods. I almost changed my mind, soaking wet, grass and mud squishing between my sandaled toes. Yet I couldn't have been closer, and I believed that everything had a purpose. I walked silent and drenched, but I didn't dare wipe my dripping face. This wasn't about vanity.

At the center, the rain stopped, and the test of faith evaporated into the cool breaths of a baptism. At the center, God remained both present and mysterious. Isn't that his way? But this I know; There are so many good things ahead, "And some things," he said, "I'll have to figure out for myself." Fair enough. But I know that the labyrinth I walk everyday is the right one.

Walking back to the car, I turned to look once more: "Wherever you are, so shall I be."

And as I walk forward the branches will indeed continue to be merged, and all of those things that seemed at once so complex will become something beautiful in their simplicity.

Poetry Corner: Ranier Maria Rilke

Ranier Maria Rilke is so my NOW. What would happen if the world were covered with Roses?

Wild Rosebush

How it stands there against the darkening
evening rain, young and pure;
its arched branches pouring out in giving
and yet deeply immersed in its rose-being.

the shallow blossoms, here and there already open,
each one unwilled and uncared for:
and so, each endlessly surpassed
and indescribably excited by itself,

calling to the wanderer, who in evening
reflection passes down the way:
Oh look at me, look here, see how safe

And unprotected I am, having only what I need.

The Best of Us: CM

CM passed on a Friday- yesterday in fact. He was 56.

It had been a week since I last saw him. He had deteriorated quickly and I nearly lost it when I saw him the Wednesday before, head wrapped in gauze like the Ghost of Marley, sitting in his own feces. His eyes were far away. I knew they were only giving showers on certain days, but this was unacceptable. I was neither gentle nor kind to the nurses and aides that day. I may have threatened... but they changed him. Quickly. I've reached that point of age (and coupled with the experiences of the past year) where nothing really fazes me anymore. I'm no longer afraid. There are those times where I've felt pieces of my soul dry up and flake off. Now I call it growth.

There were times I envied him for his simple view of the world. If only I could shut my goddamned brain off. He was free of the complexities and the bullshit of life. He knew nothing of success and failure, of jealousy, of disappointment. He didn't get hung up on minor bullshit. He only wanted one thing: to be loved and cared for. And in his eyes, you either did or you didn't.

He knew nothing of Bruce and Big, of my old life, my old house, my old dreams. He didn't know about what I had and what I had lost. He didn't know I had no idea what I was doing most of the time...that I didn't see a future, but was merely walking forward because I had to. But he helped me figure it out.  He pulled me into the present. There was no alternative. And on those days when I went in feeling most miserable and rejected, he shook with excitement at my arrival. Almost instinctively he could read me. "Sing a song, Brian" (That's what he called me.) And he would always request "Let it Be"  and we sat there and sang of Mother Mary and Times of Trouble. At night, before bed he would say, "Let it Be, Brian. Let it Be." I couldn't be sad. I had work to do. And that would've been enough.

But then he was sick, and there was the system and the money, and the ....argh! All of it! And because of him and for him I learned about alliances and trust, how to find information, and what to do with it. And what it might mean for my future. Because of him I realized the greatest motivation I've ever been aware of. I take care of people. 

So when my classmate, RB, asks me when I'm going to start a business, I smile and say, "You know, I've got this great idea, and it's not a product....it's all about people."

I went to see him Friday. It had been a busy day. I worked out, got a haircut, and by the time I was out there, I walked down the hallway to an empty room. He had passed in the morning. I wasn't sad- relieved actually. His passing was one prayer that God had answered for me lately. He's free now, I hope, of everything that bound him, everything that limited his expression, everything that kept people on guard, everything that caused him pain.

I had already scored tickets to a ballet concert for that evening. Second row was tough to beat. I sat there, and thought about the passing and transferrence of energy, was his lifeforce somewhere in the vibrations of the strings? Was it somewhere in me? Surely I could feel the bass notes through my feet. He was there- heck everyone I've ever loved was there. And for a minute, it wasn't Copland's "Applachian Spring" I was listening to it was McCartney's, "Let It Be."

I wept for joy.

Three Hundred Sixty-Five

Everyday, I see this counter on my start page. It tells me one thing and one thing only- the distance between now and May 24, 2010: Graduation day.

Size Queen

This arrived today:

It's my new Mac Mini, which I've paired with an HP 19" widescreen LCD and Apple's newer slim keyboard design. My old iBook G4, which I can't believe I've had since 2004 had a 30 Gig Hard Drive that was maxed out. It told me every time I booted it up that it was full. And everything on it  (including all of my music) were important files that I needed to keep. What to do? The new MacBooks were way out of my price range, so I decided on the mini at the moment. It updates my system terrifically, and I can easily (and cheaply) upgrade again in the future when I need to. In the meantime, After transferring all of my iBook data to the mini, I can re-format the iBook, and reboot it from scratch and add only the essentials. The Mini will now be my "hub" but the iBook will still be my "travel" computer for the library and those Mid-Week Study sessions. Clearing the iBook drive of everything but what I'm working on should help speed it up good as new.

It took me fifteen minutes to get the Mini up and running. It found my Wi-Fi instantly, and even paired with my old Bluetooth Wireless Mouse without me having to do a thing. It doesn't get any simpler than that. Price of Mac Happiness? A student discount at $549.00