Nope, Again!

You know what sucks? He's absolutely adorable. He's smart. He's interested in me.

I already know it's never going to work.

The Coin

There are two sides to the coin.

Or Three?

Or More?

Though flat, and rough in spots, it spins on a table

It slips through the cracks.

It makes noise when if falls, or when it hits other change.

Other Change.

Change.

In spite of all this, the coin is round, and always, somehow, inherently perfect.

Just Friends

When I said that I couldn't be friends, I didn't mean I didn't want to, I really only meant that I can't. As in, I am not emotionally capable of turning off my feelings. I'm sure it's not a typical mental process, but at least I know myself enough to recognize it and how to head it off at the pass: clean cut severance. I know they're trying hard to show that they still care, but any way around it...it's not the same. Maestro is playing dumb, or in total denial. Meanwhile, the bears can "stick together" on cold nights like last night.

This cub is going to find a new cave.

Please stop torturing me with kindness.

The Languages of Love

According to Dr. Chapman, there are Five Love Languages:

1) Words of Affirmation
2) Quality Time
3) Receiving Gifts
4) Acts of Service
5) Physical Touch

It's hard for you to hear and say the words. And you're not too crazy about touching if you're not in the mood; However, when you offered to look at my car, and also changed your dinner plans for Tuesday because of my work schedule, the first thing I thought was, "I love you, too."

Just Because

Location:Nantuckett Drive; Toledo, Ohio

Love. Music. Physics.

I am a firm believer that the lessons we fail to learn the first time circle back around until we do learn them. Such has been the conversations of Maestro and myself lately.

I've recently learned that a lot of my love has been incredibly ego-centric.

This is a hard pill to swallow. To confess, I had previously believed that once I professed my love to someone that everything would fall into place and be "OK" as I imagined it. Sure, I knew that logically this wasn't realistic- even before- but when do any of us think with the heart and the mind simultaneously? Definitely not me.

My actions recently have been based on fear even as I haughtily proclaimed my fearlessness.

True love, even when you're hoping for an outcome, takes into account the other persons feelings first. Even if you miss them and they don't miss you. For me, removing the fear and the ego takes some control...of myself...and a healthy dash of willpower.

But I am committed to showing that I am a patient, non-threatening entity, not just to those I say I love, but to the world at large. It won't happen overnight, and I'm sure I'll have relapses, but I am so willing to try and to practice.

There's a similar rift in popular music, which may explain Maestro's disdain for some of it...I mean other than his eye rolling at the same three chords and rhythms being used and the nasally auto-tuned vocals.

Most if it are about internal feelings. About how someone will "rock somebody's world," or about how somebody is missing some one else. (Those are my favorites, bleeding heart that I am.) But even though some of the lyrics exist to woo someone else, they never take into account the other person.

Maybe instead of Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called (To Say I Love You)" a true love song would start, "I Just Called (To Ask How are you?)"

When my parents divorced, I remember thinking that I didn't really understand love, let alone how love could stop or end.

In some ways, I became a student of love; open to experiences, but quick to define them. "What Genus does this emotion belong to?"

And so I've found myself in some incredibly complex love scenarios. Ones incredibly more rich and complex than my parents ever had. And yes there are some scenarios I want more than others, but so far my "research" has led me to a conclusion that seems to permeate our existence. Like energy and matter, love doesn't really ever stop or end, but sometimes it changes its form.

On Being Still, Then Moving On

I've absolutely been loving blogging while mobile. I never realized how inspirational a Starbucks could be.

It's hard to believe it's been three years in my apartment on Nantuckett. I've graduated and tried my hand at Career Counseling. Yeah, it did work out so well. Trying to find anyone else other than myself a job in this region and economy seemed to make me a glutton for punishment. Thank God for Big and National. Aside from liking the job (the hours and pay notwithstanding) I've read more books in the last year than I have during the last three years combined. Please don't tell my instructors what that nugget of information implies for all of those textbooks.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but because of becoming so busy with school and taking a series of (mostly) menial jobs, I fear, dear readers, that I may have lodged myself into a sort of rut. Part of the reason I hadn't written much was because me creativity and ability to organize my thought flow became bogged down with so much negativity. I'm working on changing this perspective.

My tolerance for my apartment changed from sheer annoyance to something that my person just finds a situation that is no longer acceptable for my existence. Three years in a one bedroom apartment with no dishwasher, no washer/dryer, no central air all while sandwiched between a crotchety old man below and a herd of elephants above has become too much to bear. I need out. Now.

I escaped it for a while, by spending so much time with Maestro and Rico, and for a time it was a real relationship. The future of this is uncertain...at least as far as I am concerned. Or is it as far as they're concerned with me. I don't know. See the problem? Chalk it up to getting involved with unavailable men; married, emotionally constipated, too numerous, or otherwise.

Either way, I keep getting the message that I need to move on...and well...move physically. There's the uncertainty of the Maestro, Rico, and R2 dynamics. There's the universe refusing to allow for substantial employment here. Hell, there's e-mails from N2 telling me I should look elsewhere. How the hell did he know? I have exhausted all of my options for the job hunt here and come up empty. Detroit and Ann Arbor have yielded similar results. If It's in-state it will probably be Columbus or Cincinnati; though Columbus would be preferred. If it's out of state, well then, who knows? Some Illinois suburb of Chicago? Pittsburgh? Philadelphia? The DC area? I have no clue. All I know is that my net is cast and I am looking to see where I go next.

It should be fun.

I guess.

Location:Starbucks Westgate- Toledo, OH